My friend

I have a friend

my friend visits me once a month

we have been friends since i was 16

when i first met my friend,

i was scared

who is this?

who are you? i asked

what do i do

with you? i asked

is this my enemy?

or

my friend

it took me years

month after another

to realise

my friend comes to me

to give me a break

permission to feel

yuck

to rest

to swear more often

to say ‘fuck you’ to the world

to myself

to everyone

who i think

wants my attention

my friend throws

anger at my face

tells me to build something

out of it

when my friend comes

i want to hide

not from my friend

but from the world

i want to sleep

and not get up

i want to stop talking

to everyone

including myself

except my friend

because my friend

understands

gives me permission

to be who i am

without any pretense

accepts that

i am limited

flawed

messy

sees me at my worst

a mess

did i mention

total

a total mess

my friend is gentle

tells me to take a

break

this will pass

this feeling of doom

of gloom

of wanting to hide

curled up

against

everything

and everyone

the world is an enemy

for a few hours

a few days

but this will pass

my friend reminds me

that i am human

a woman

with too many demands

very less rewards

always pushing

myself

others

mostly others

to do what they value

to do better

but when my friend comes

i am reminded

i am tired

it is okay to be

tired

i am not guilty

because everyone

annoys me

even a smile

an email

a text

a call

a hug

my friend gives me

peppermint tea

with dark chocolate

a trashy novel

or a tear jerker

postpone all

and everything

until my friend leaves

and

my friend only

leaves when

i am safe

i am happy

i am back to the living

i have a friend

who is not my enemy

one day my friend will

leave

or i will leave my friend

but i will remember

all the chaos

and how my friend

was there

every time

for years

my friend,

thank you.