dear food

people tell me i ignore you 
restrict your presence in my life
have put up walls made of tungsten
or was it
tungsten carbide,

go to all that trouble
just to 
berate you if you get too close

they say, 
your presence in my life
is measured
and calculated
with a beginning and an end 

they wonder, is it 
because you will hurt me 
settle into my body 
like a microbe
taking over 
multiplying you/me
until i don’t recognise myself 

they assume 
our relationship
is unhealthy
cannot go on
must change 

they become confused
when they don’t get any answers
only my annoyance
at their interference
performed as ‘caring’

so they continue 
to watch me 
and you 

the way i look at you

the way i consume you 
how much you consume me

are we too rough
or too gentle
do we hold each other long enough?

they wonder as they watch 

what are you to me
they speculate

how long do you stay with me 
how often 
do i take you to bed 
or leave you at the doorstep 

when i gaze at you 
sometimes with anger
mostly in h/anger

when i search for you in crowds
they watch me, watching you 
and think they understand us

our intimacy should be ours
but it isn’t 

when people want answers 
our privacy is in shambles 
at every gathering 

and sometimes they don’t want answers

and refuse to swallow explanations 
they want to change you and me 
us 
but history isn’t meant for the past

and i am bored of them watching us 
my eye roll a millisecond away 

they don’t see how much i rely on you
and try not to 
you are meant to nourish me 
not the focus of my life 

you are ordinary 
there when i need you
enough to sustain me

do they know
i am wary of you 
because i have known hunger

your absence 
coiling inside me 

half a roti 
and giving it up 
for someone i love/d
begging for you

sometimes stealing glances 
and stealing you 
so much shame

while swallowing my hunger down
because good girls wait 

wondering when i’ll see you next
while eating parts of myself 

because no one ever should 
go without you 
because others have too much 
monopoly over you

when they question 
me, about you,
us 

how do i tell them, 
you are not mine
you never were

and what once was fear 
of not having you 
of losing you 

is now acceptance 
you are a blessing
not a guaranteed presence

so
i have learnt to savour you 
whenever our paths cross

and
i take you 
without any greed 
i am in no rush
gently 

knowing 
one day, there will be no-us