the first phone call

of this/any day
talking to someone
without seeing
in a language different to yours
an itch 
at the back of your throat
unable to stop it
clear it
a nuisance
these first words
all fighting with each other
throwing themselves
at one another
slamming into
pushing 
your teeth ache
the space in between
swelling with words
while some take refuge
under your tongue
the bravest amongst them
marching
with their sewing kit
to seal your lips
so no one can get out
until they are all washed
polished
dressed up
looking smart
so when they do come out
the person on the phone 
recognise them/you 
as one of ‘us’
instead
there is anarchy within
the strongest push the bravest
ripping the few fine
sutures 
and your lips mumble
as the bravest tumble
you start the sentence with 
ah
shit, you did not practice
the words are not their finest
no time to dress up 
to polish
your greeting
or what comes next
a pause
ballooning up
and since 
the bravest are gone with the greeting
who’s next in line
to ask about the weather
your mouth now bleeding
as words tumble out
unprepared 
unpolished
in a different language
sounding a little dozy
you feel
the opposite of cozy
the person on the other end
cheerful
their words smooth as butter
as they speak
while yours rough as the hair 
on your body
and now
a word slip
from your own language
oops
i meant this
not that
they laugh 
you laugh
too early in the morning?
they ask
something like that
you mumble
uncomfortable silence
or it seems to you
more than 4 seconds
are you the same person 
we work with
you think they think that
you try again
to redirect
give instructions
ask questions
as the words in your mouth 
filter out
enough time to 
wash and polish
and get dressed
all proper
maybe a popped button 
here and there
because your ‘w’ words never sound like a ‘w’
always a ‘v’
even after so many years
why does it feel 
forced
this language
that is not yours
20 years to be precise
not polished
not smooth like
peanut butter
an instant allergic reaction
in your mouth
from your words
on your words
to the first phone call 
in the morning