come and sit with me

says my 4-year-old

as i am ‘deeply’ in thought

critiquing my own experiences

visceral (Diversi & Moreira, 2018)

to link to my

half-baked theoretical

knowledge

at 5 pm on a sunday

tearing at time

at my hair

to find the ‘torn’ time

because i am supposed to

supposed to

do this full-time

40 hours a week

on top of a full-time child

and heavy work

because the system tells me

i am supposed to

you tell me

you are part of the system

supposed to

finish this phd in 3 years

no matter what

my context is

whatever i have

experienced

‘suffered’

this year and last

the burden

the legacy

of the past 20 years

and before that

but

i dont want to explain

not right now

the greater point

the disruption of my thoughts

because i am supposed to

complete this phd

as if i was a single young student

in academy (Diversi & Moreira, 2018)

complaining about things

that i’d typically

‘too much unpaid work’

‘no work-life balance’

close to a moan

instead

i don’t

i refuse ‘unpaid work’

i forge time for family life

i have to

motherhood is important

sacred

i am a mother

a psychologist

re/searching my space in the academy

re/imagining my beginnings

and ‘Others’

same as me

yet i am stuck

when you ask me

after all i have shared

to trust you

as a person in power

in authority

what a hypocrite

you blow a trumpet

about ‘context’

yet you keep asking

‘ok, so what is stopping you?’

the shock on my face

is unstoppable

before i mask

the disgust comes

i dont know how to answer you

because

your system compares me to others

who are not me

maybe even comparing me to you

and your success

ha! and you talk about context

bullshit

and you are incessant

asking

‘why?’

like my 4-year-old

i shrug

shrug is for you

not my 4-year-old

i lie

to you

‘i’ll try harder’

do you think

i am deliberately

‘not thinking’

‘not critiquing’

it is 5pm on a sunday

and the whole day

my 4-year-old

is asking me

‘come and sit with [him]’

and i give in

after battling

to steal time

resources

you’d be familiar, huh?

but i give up

you wouldn’t know that

he is also important

my body senses him

and my thinking shatters

the visceral before

theoretical

context matters

you say you understand [theoretical]

yet your questioning

your limited understanding of the ‘Others/my’ world

is rudimentary at best

offensive

you don’t experience what i experience

you don’t [not visceral]

your oppression is not the same as mine

your strategies are not functional to me

so what is the point of all your ‘K’nowledge?

nothing, i’d say

not to me

and i am done for the night

going to my 4-year-old

sitting next to him

Diversi, M., & Moreira, C. (2018). Betweener autoethnographies: A path towards social justice. Routledge.