the last pot

you have been up since 5am

sleeping for less than 4 hours

toddler night terrors

not fun

some cuddling

wanting comforting

this isn’t new

always happens when you have something

important to do

like

pitching an idea

or sitting for an exam

or taking a flight

or speaking at the parliament

every single time

on the day when you wake up

like this morning

you are not you

your thoughts scattered

trying to run away from you

or playing hide n seek with

each other

chasing

swirling

making you dizzy

getting out of bed a chore

walking dead a new meaning

looking at all the texts

ignore

looking at all the emails

ignore

screening calls

you need to focus

okay

step 1: make pancakes for toddler

(so you can feel mighty about yourself)

step 2: straighten your back

or try to

breathe in breathe out

fuck, this isn’t working

lasted a few seconds

you want to go back to bed

crawl under the sheets

reminiscing about the times

when your sleep was uninterrupted

helpful friends saying unhelpful things like

‘you’ll get used to it’

‘this only gets worse’

‘you are never getting your sleep back’

‘why aren’t you used to this’

but

you can’t go to bed

not until some 16 hours later

so

step 4: time for some motivational speaking

‘you can do this. If you open your eyes wide enough, you’ll feel alert’

‘if it helps, stick a tape to your eye lids’

‘ignore your fatigue’

‘don’t think about all the future missed sleep’

‘don’t think about how much you love sleep’

step 5: have a cup of tea

(and imagine your next cup of tea)

step 6: keep conversations minimal with your husband

step 7: oh shit, you forgot your talk.

time to practice

step 8: put toddler in bed

(put husband in bed) if he is grumpy

step 9: focus

imagine the crowd

oh fuck, not your bed

ignore the pain behind your eyes

no, don’t droop your shoulders

sit straight

okay

you are ready

step 10: think about how many hours before toddler goes to bed

(also think about how many hours before you go to bed)

(also try not to swear)

at least your talk went well

step 11: scroll mindlessly on your phone

(text ‘lol’ or ‘haha’)

step 12: fake enthusiasm and energy with your toddler

(remember not long before toddler sleeps)

step 13: stuff toddlers face

stuff your face

step 14: count how many more chores

until you go to bed

step 15: stop counting – still too many

this is too hard

i want to sleep, you complain silently

and loudly

your husband washing you

no wait

but that would be nice

(and tucking you in bed)

watching you very carefully

he can’t wait for you to go to bed

just so you can stop complaining

about all your missed sleep

for the last three years

step 16: washing dishes

counting them as you wash

wash wash wash

clearing toys

remember to brush your teeth

forget flossing today

well you never do

what step are you at now?

oh forget it

wash some more dishes

two more to go

more texting

you can’t even stand up

looking at your schedule for tomorrow

not too busy

you could sleep in tomorrow

and if you are in bed by 9pm

oh shit

its 8:57pm

looking at that last pot in the sink

you have to wash it

this is important

this is your tea pot

no clean pot

no tea in the morning

and no reason to get out of bed

too tired

your thoughts rambling

makes no sense

just like your writing

painful

just do it

you mean ‘just sleep?’

no

back to pot

it is the last one

before you go to bed

wash it

your chance to be doubly majestic

so you can boast to your

nonexistent friends

how much you suffer

without sleep

even though the whole world does it

so many mothers

so many fathers

(but mostly mothers)

not non-parents people though

and they probably wouldn’t get this

because you never did

when you were not a mother

wait, is this karma?

when you enjoyed sleep too much

when you judged mothers

because their thoughts were

incoherent

(shame on you)

just like yours

(ha ha)

yeah probably

most likely

actually definitely

karma

so

are you washing

the last pot?