your eyes

i don’t remember faces very well

neither bodies nor

what you wear

what you sound like

but i remember your eyes

the intimacy i get to share

with them

with you

for a moment

for a lifetime

like

i remember the first pair of eyes

i worshipped

were my sisters

not as dark as mine

a shade lighter

especially in the sun

always filled with mischief

even when you weren’t smiling

i should have known they’d get me in trouble

time and time again

i would search for your eyes

in crowds

a school

panicking

my chest tightening

or a party

i looked up to them

wanted to be so cool

nowadays they don’t smile as much

but sometimes when there is just us

i see the sparkle again

i look forward to that sight

also

there were the eyes of

the only man

who came close to being a father

or what a father is meant to be

you were my mama’s uncle

naina

so wise

you had the kindest eyes

white brows

i’d watch them as they’d scan

a dictionary

or an Encyclopedia

beckoning me

to take it all in

i couldn’t read much then

nor understand some of the words

but looking at your eyes

and how hungry they were

instilled in me the value

knowledge comes first

knowledge is liberating

to hear you had died

i spent an ocean of tears

my wallet has no other photo

but yours

i seek your counsel

when things aren’t right

the answer

learn more

seek more

i hope you are at peace

eyes

no other form of intimacy

comes even close

meeting someone for the very first time

when i was 13

or 18

once at 23

every so often

at a bus stop

at a paan shop

an airport

a meeting

looking at your eyes

i knew were trouble

i should not stare

look away, Sehar

but the fire in them

sometimes dark as coal

sometimes light as the sky

sometimes grey as your mood

sometimes only one meeting

sometimes for 13 years

sometimes across the seas

a shade of green

sometimes through the screen

sometimes when you sit next to me

an open fire

watching the stars

sometimes when we share the first cup of tea

in the morning

i can’t help but smile

i have shared so many moments

with your eyes

without your knowledge

sometimes across the room

are you okay?

they asked

a blink sufficed

exhilarating

but sometimes there is fear

turning into anger

a shade lighter

and i don’t know

how to stop your pain

sometimes that pain is not mine

to take away

even though they beseech me to

sometimes there is disgust

so i avert my gaze

it is uncomfortable

to stare at eyes that don’t want you

or want what you have

or want you

but nowadays

i have a favorite

i am biased

they

look at me like

i am magic

long eyelashes

i am the protector

a darker shade

i am the only person you love

for now, anyway

the twinkle in them

i am your world

they are learning

the pain of betrayal

when i don’t take your side

my son

your eyes look at everything

with wonder

paying attention to the

things i had forgotten

sometimes the curiosity in them

is tiring

but i hope you never lose it

i am selfish

your eyes are filling

some of the void

abyss

left behind

after the wreckage of

a stare

or too many