i have a dark room
more like a closet
think harry potter
bare walls
a couch
freudian couch
sorry skinner
now
i spend time in there
sometimes 5 min
sometimes 30
today i spent an hour
the rule is no phones
no devices
nothing
except my thoughts
ideas
suffering
facing it all
without any pretence
no facebook to scroll through
no news to follow
no emails to check
my thoughts and me
face to face
in the arena
initially i tried to fight them
i mean it has been a while
the last time i was without
constant connection
when i was 20
24/7 mental load
peeking into other people’s lives
receiving gossip via text
a single line
sometimes about me
ouch
sometimes about things
i wish not to be reminded of
sometimes across the seas
of people i haven’t
seen in centuries
no wait, decades
did i mention that
my dark room has a rule
one rule: only you enter
naked
well, not in winter
but no one else
the dark room indulges me
my thoughts scattered
no beginning
no end
sometimes swirling in circles
just like this post
as i spend more time in my dark room
i start to connect
really connect with who i was
am
want to be
all the past
and this present
the coming
becoming
i am not scared of the dark room
i am not afraid of my own thoughts
but
i am afraid of the person i have become
the dark room is challenging
questioning
sometimes i fall asleep
welcome the bliss
but mostly i lie there
staring at the ceiling
feeling the energy around me
like i used to
letting go of things
people
places
that are not worth it
being present
really present
for those that matter
the dark room helps me
breathe
be
like i am meant to
not shallow
reminds me that i am alive
here
nowhere else
and
one day i will not be
but until then
i am here
in the dark room
thinking
rejoicing
being
one with
myself
To live or to exist 