hold on

even when you shouldn’t

tightly

it hurts

your hands bleeding

grip slipping

cursing in pain

i need you to let go

says your mind

listen to it

but wait, you

hold on

one last time, you say

maybe this will be different

not at all

like the previous times

not true

and you know this too

but you hold on

it is straining

maintaining all that attention

focus

becomes draining

eyes watering

can’t eat

nor sleep

this is stupid, you know

yet

you hold on

because

once in a while

it gets easier

your hands do not

ache that much

you ignore the blisters

the absence of pain

is bliss

you mistake it

for the presence of

something that isn’t

never was

sometimes

the clouds disappear

the fog in your mind

long enough to glimpse

at reality

no sugar coating

no sir, it says

keep holding on

and you will loss

everything

around you

including

you

why do you not

stop?

i don’t understand

why do you hold on?

i don’t get it

because

intermittent reinforcement

silly