unwanted guest

the first thing I notice about him

are his eyes

beckoning, challenging

to approach him

I look away

attending to the other guests

I have seen him before

that smile

inviting

I walk away

‘have something to eat’, I offer

to everyone but

him

was he at the hospital when I

almost died, I wonder

or

was he in the ambulance after

the car crash

my memory is hazy

someone brushes past me

I look up

and there he is

so close, I can

feel his breath

‘invite me in’, he tempts

to accept

what is holding me back?

all eyes on me

what would they think?

‘who are you?’

‘you know me’, he says

‘always have’, he adds

searching his face

frantically

for clues

those eyes have watched me

for too long

the wrinkles so familiar

ahh

‘you were there

when I lost

a job,

that wasn’t meant to be

a friend,

who wasn’t one

a loved one,

who only took

you were there

when I gave

birth to a babe

so healthy

and lived

to tell the tale

when the rest of the world

was in turmoil

throes of agony

and I could still hug

those around me

be with them

all at once

you were there

when hunger became

second nature

but so did

self control

you were there

when I had

hit the rockiest

of bottom

but my heart

was kicking,

still beating

you were there

all the times

I thought

I had failed or

life was unfair or

I was undeserving or

why me or

what if?’

I smile

he smiles

I put my arms around him

finally

embracing

it feels like home

‘you are gratitude’, I whisper

‘hold on to me’, he replies