I rushed out of my interview to pick up my work belongings as 4-week lockdown was being announced. I am pleased to say I have obeyed the rules to keep everyone safe and have only visited the vet for my dog in the last 18 days.
These days my mind seems to be in a thinking mode, to an extent where some nights I wake up at 1am unable to fall asleep again and think about life if I was still with dad? packed my bags and ran back to Pakistan? died of COVID-19? won lotto? Also, I have wondered is it true that I don’t feel empathetic towards people, have my emotions died in all the hustle and struggle of life?
I am sure I have no emotions cos I don’t do hugs, I don’t say ‘nggaawww’, I am unable to control my laughter in sad situations, I can sit in a room staring at someone cry and not be able to comfort them. Am I dead inside? Or should I say I am unable to pretend
Even with all these crazy thoughts running around my mind each day I still manage to log into work with my own set of vulnerabilities but ensuring I smile as I have people relying on me to stay motivated. Work takes up most of my day but apart from that I read a book, drink 2 cups of tea, play with Junior, go for a run, cook and watch TV.
There are some days though that I don’t feel like talking to anyone but deep inside hoping someone will ask me if I am ok? No one has for which I feel disappointed and glad – disappointed because no one knows me and glad because I will lie so no point!
In saying that at the end of each mentally occupied day when my head hits my pillow, I am hoping to be in my bubble forever with my partner and my dog. Imagining those days where I won’t have to communicate with anyone apart from a few words to my partner about dinner or telling Junior he has been a good boy. Selfish is not the word they should use to describe me when they only know about my one feeling/thought of wanting to be alone!
Anum Moughal
To live or to exist 