Time and Energy

I don’t have much time left. Now that another human is completely reliant on me for all their needs, time has become even more valuable.

I don’t have much time left. I have never denied my existence nor my death. And as I enter my 30s, the arrival of death lingers in my thoughts.

I don’t have much energy left. By the end of day, I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I also take naps whenever I get a chance without feeling ‘lazy’ or guilt.

I don’t have much energy left. Million chores. Work demands. Less sleep. Our bodies are clever. They let you know when you’ve had enough. I am clever. I listen to my body.

Time and energy. Up until this year, I was pedantic with my time. I like to control my environment. I don’t like surprises (receiving gifts is embarrassing for me). I have always divided my time, made spreadsheets to allocate it, graphed it. For example, if I use up my social quota for the whole week in one day, I won’t see anybody until next week. Pedantic. I worked out almost every day. I ate healthy. I felt energised.

This year came with surprises. Suuurprises. I lost control big time. I had a baby. With all the hormones, pain, emotions, brain fog, sleep deprivation, and a baby with a mind of its own, I lost total control. My time was not mine anymore. My energy reservoir was emptying faster than recovery. Negative balance.

Calendars didn’t work. To do list kept growing. Emails kept piling up. Messages gone unanswered. The harder I pushed, the chaotic it became. Time kept running. Energy kept depleting. People commented on how well I looked. But the weight loss and dark circles under my eyes were a testament that I was losing my shit.

Netflix to the rescue! Last week, I was watching a short series ‘Mind Explained’ and there was a short episode on mindfulness. Previously, I have read about it, practised it on occasions but never delved any deeper. Mindfulness is under rated. People talk about it all the time. But not many people practice it enough to feel any different.

I am on a mission: to be okay with chaos, to accept when things are not under my control and be in the moment. I have been practising mindfulness daily for a week now. And even though no miracles have happened, I am learning to sit in the midst of chaos with indifference. I am enjoying moments that I thought were a waste of time. And the moments I do have control over, I can be pedantic about how I spend my time and energy.

P.S. It has taken me over three days to write this blog but I am okay with that. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be in the moment. And let it go. Repeat x infinity.