Fear of the passage of time

Let’s talk about fears. What is fear? One way to define fear would be to observe how your body reacts in the presence of a stimulus and/or thinking about it, imagining it and so on. For example, right now I fear the doll at my desk. Its 7pm on a Friday night. The house is quiet. The baby is sleeping across the hall. And I have watched enough scary movies to know most ghost stuff happens on an evening such as this one. Many scenarios run through my head as I look at this doll. I fear it.

There are many other things that I fear such as, crowds, a loud noise, being mugged, snakes, incorrect pronunciation and a migraine. I also fear conformity, feeling trapped, and regret. All this I have known for a long time (solitude gives you plenty of time for introspection).

Recently, however, I discovered that I fear my end. I have always been very casual about dying. My sister and I frequently chat about our deaths, our funerals (or lack of), and the way we’d like to exit the physical world. Very open about it all, really. I mean it’s not if I die, it’s when.

So, I have started to fear the time between now and when I die. Never before had I thought much about how I spent my time. Roughly speaking, 70% of my time has been spent wisely, 30% completely on stupid shit (like housework, brushing my hair or emails). But suddenly, it irks me ALL the time. Should I be re-reading this book for the 4th time? Can I cancel that dinner party? Do I really need to go food shopping? What is the point of money? (a stupid question but deep too) Do I really need to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner? (The answer is yes, HANGRY is a very real concept). You get the gist.

I like action. I don’t just ponder. All those private thoughts make me lethargic. Like I need to go and sleep it off. Sleep could be a luxury or a serious time-waster. Nor can I stop the time between now and the hour of my death. That would be pointless anyways. Like being suspended in eternity.

I can, however, live my life. Cliche’. Whatever. So here are the steps to living my life (and minimising that fear):

• Keep asking questions. Some of them need asking.
• Find answers. If there are none, make them up and stick to them.
• Use the answers to guide your time.
• Caveat: you may offend a few people some of the time. That’s okay. It’s your time. It’s your fear too.
• Have fun doing all this (but first define fun).

For example:

• Question: Will I be spending my time wisely writing about my fears as a blog post?
• Answer: It’s either writing this post or reading a very boring novel by David Baldacci.
• Decision: Bring this post into existence.
• I may have offended David Baldacci or his fans.
• I managed a few smiles and forgot all about the doll on my desk (counts as fun, right?)

Note: The content of this blog post is based on my personal opinion. The reader has no obligation to take it seriously. Either way, slay your demons!